Hope
by freiheitfuehlen
Summary: This story is about Addison, though Addek is mentioned, and how she´s feeling about her marriage and Derek. It´s definitely preprom and not fluffy...yet. Well I´m not too good at summaries, so go on, read my story and please review.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don´t own Grey´s Anatomy or any character mentioned in my story. Well there are only Addison and Derek, since this is my main ship on the show. But, unfortunately I don´t own them either...not yet that is. You have to know that **Laura** and I are carefully planning Operation McMarried and we won´t stop till we´ll have accomplished our mission.You wanna know what operation it is? Read and review and I´ll fill you in.

**Author´s Note:** Thanks and kisses to my beloved beta **phelipa **who is so fast that I´d like to bow in front of her and kiss her feet sometimes. ;)

You are great,girl!

This story is about Addison,though Addek is mentioned, and how she´s feeling about her marriage and Derek. It´s definitely pre-prom and not fluffy...yet. Well I´m not too good at summaries,so go on, read my story and please review.

**Hope** +

It was a beautiful morning. Still a little cold due to the early hour, but clear and the air smelled fresh. It smelled like freedom must smell in its purest form.

She enjoyed these mornings. They seemed to wash away every bit of sorrow, pain and doubt. At least for a little while. These feelings seemed to occupy her mind every other waking hour since she'd first stepped into Seattle Grace.

She breathed in; letting her lungs fill with fresh air and the hope that its strength would be able to wash out her insecurities.

She breathed out and had to realize that once again her hope was crushed as she felt the numbness fail to overtake her body.

_Derek. Derek and Meredith. Derek loves Meredith. Does Derek still love me? He never says he does._

But she fought. She pushed the thoughts back into the depths of her mind. She pushed them far away, where they would not get the chance to torture her in this very special moment. Her moment. Her freedom.

Instead she was reminiscing. Bringing back past memories and moments like the one now. Happy moments for her, for Derek, for both of them.

Like when they had been spending their honeymoon in Rome, the eternal city. He was declaring his eternal love for her and that he would never leave her if he could help it.

You liar.

You stupid little boy.

She was trying so hard; like all these past mornings when the sun had barely risen above her head, to dismiss all the negative thoughts that would most likely take over her mind soon.

But she failed.

And like all the mornings before, she had to witness her walls crumble and her inner turmoil taking over her facade of pretend and hide.

And just then in the minutes of a beautiful sun rise, she started crying. She was crying silently, spilling tear after tear.

8+

After a few minutes her agitated breath became steady again, the stream of tears had nearly dried on her red cheeks and Addison had regained the strength to return to the trailer and face her life once again… or what was left of it, without the day old make up covering up the cracks.

She was sure that what she had was not all that there was to life. She was sure that someday she would find happiness again. She just wasn't sure how to get there and whether involved her husband or not. If he wasn't part of the plan, she wasn't sure if she wanted it or even wanted to know that there was something better. But she was hoping that if she needed to move on, to live a life without Derek, that she'd eventually find the strength to do so.

8+

Addison was slowly and calmly walking towards the trailer, trying her best to hide her tear stained face and her red eyes. They would both give away how miserable she was, emotionally.

She was Addison Montgomery Shepherd, Americas best neonatal surgeon and she was definitely not going to show weakness. She simply didn't have any. At least that's how its supposed to be, isn't it?

She turned the door knob and stepped inside. Her eyes searching for Derek but he wasn't there.

W_here did he go? Early surgery? He didn't tell me, did he? _

_No, he didn't. But it's not as if we'd talked that much lately anyway._

There was a mixture of emotions forming in the pit of her stomach. Relief that he didn't see her appearance for fear he'd ask questions. There was also disappointment because he was again not here to see her, to really look at her and see the broken version of who she'd once been. Maybe if he saw that, just maybe he'd ask all the questions whose answers could help her recover, help her heal her broken self.

Her eyes were wandering aimlessly around the trailer when her attention was drawn to a card sitting on the kitchen table.

Slowly she picked it up and read it.

Hey A,

Sorry I missed you this morning but I had to take of

some things for tonight and of course, I couldn't tell you about it.

Please bring comfortable shoes, no heels to make myself clear.

No further information though.

Happy anniversary!

D

And with only these words she knew that even if she had to, she would not find the strength to walk away and move on anytime soon.

She would cling to the tiniest thread as long as it would hold her weight and she would stay right here. In the middle of nowhere, where she knew she belonged.

And if the world and all its pain brought her down again, she'd just sit down and watch the sun rise and cry. Let the tears try to wash away her sorrows and fill the new found spaces with hope. Hope that at the end she'd be happy. Happy with him.

8+

**A/N:** Again? I must annoy you,huh? So do you wanna find out what he´s planned for her? Press that lovely little blue button and review. Go make me happy and I´ll let you know.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Hope – Chapter 2

**Author: **Freiheitfuehlen

**Summary:** 12 years later, 12 years after saying I do, she was standing on a shore, looking out on the sea, breathing in the scent of salt and wind that meant infinity while waiting for her husband to show up.

**Rating: **PG

**Pairing: **Addek, of course it´s Addek!

**Word Count**: 2712

**A/N: **A very big thank you goes out to the wonderful **Phelipa** who betaed my story again. Where would I be without you! ;)

**Disclaimer:** I don´t own anything, everyone belongs to Shonda.

- **Hope** -

She was a little early, standing on the coast shore where she was supposed to meet Derek, who'd had had very little time for her today. This was because he'd had 2 brain surgeries and one emergency surgery for a nine year old. She was disappointed that she'd barely seen him all day but she understood. Of course she understood, she was a surgeon, how could she not? They had lived that life for years. They had decided to live that life, well not actually that life with all its painful sacrifices and victims, but the life of becoming the best surgeons in their fields. They hadn't known what it meant, what the price was that they had to pay to get there, or maybe they had just closed their eyes so they didn't have to witness the downfall.

12 years later, 12 years after saying I do, she was standing on a shore, looking out on the sea, breathing in the scent of salt and wind that meant infinity while waiting for her husband to show up.

8+

Derek was driving slowly up to the place where he was supposed to meet his wife for their afternoon date. He hated that he hadn't been able find the time to eat lunch with her today, especially today when his number one goal was to make up. Make up for all of missed lunches and dinners, all of the unfulfilled expectations.

He grabbed the single rose that lay on the passenger seat, opened the door and walked towards his wife. He stopped for a moment and just watched her. She was staring out on the sea, letting the ocean calm her and carry away her problems. He smiled before calling her name softly and thought that shell like it, shell definitely like it.

8+

Addison turned at the sound of her husband's voice. She started smiling as soon as she saw her husband wearing yellow boots and a fisherman's jacket. He was also holding a single red rose in his hand and she remembered what it meant.

He had given her the first rose on their first anniversary. She'd taken it home and decided to let it dry out and fix it with hairspray. This way it would last longer and she could add a new one every year until it was a big bouquet. She wanted to have the bouquet because it would mean that they'd spend at least 50 years together. She loved this tradition because no matter what, no matter what dinner reservation he cancelled or no matter when he forgot it at all, he'd never once forgotten to bring a single red rose to their anniversary dates. And as long as he didn't forget the rose, he wouldn't forget her.

"Hey, Mister! I'm waiting here for my husband, tall and dark hair. Have you seen him?" She was asking in a mocking tone.

She didn't like him in flannel that much, but she'd accepted the fact that he needed to wear flannel and that he wasn't ready to let her in again. She'd accepted that he would wear flannel and be the wilderness guy until he was able to open up to her again.

She'd give him the time and she'd accept his weird clothes, though she couldn't quite hold back a sarcastic remark from time to time. And today was definitely one of these moments.

"If you'd like to add extremely sexy and very masculine to the tall and dark hair, then I might have seen him." He grinned back at her, taking in her beauty.

He knew that she hadn't been feeling well lately and yet she still looked stunning. It wasn't only the looks that made him think so, it was the fact that she'd had to go through a lot lately and she was still standing and holding up. Ever since she called him on it, he thought about it, he thought about the fact that for a very long time he'd definitely hurt her on purpose.

He was trying, he wasn't quite ready to let her in and he knew it must hurt her. She'd moved across the country, left her friends and practice behind, and moved into the trailer. She hadn't really complained about it.

Well, she had at the beginning, but not for long. She had accepted that he wanted it and that it was on her to make compromises. And she had made them, a lot. People, including Derek himself, had called her various names, Satan for instance.

And she'd just taken it, made even fun of it, though it must have killed her to be treated with so little respect. But she had stayed and he was thankful. And now they were here, on the coast, looking out on the sea while he tried to make up.

"Well, I guess that could be him." She smiled at him again and this time he couldn't respond to her anymore.

He just closed the space between the two of them, put his hands on her cheeks, brought her lips closer and kissed her tenderly. He let his hands slip down to rest on her hips before he slowly leaned back a little bit. They locked eyes and stared at each other intensely.

That's why they were still together, because no matter what and no matter how awful the past was they'd have these moments were they just looked into each others eyes and knew that they could never love someone the way they loved each other. They had history, a lot of good times and some bad, painful memories. Their love wasn't an easy one but when's true love ever easy?

"Hey." She whispered, biting her lip.

"Hey." He whispered back, mere inches away from her lips. But he wasn't kissing her, though he really wanted to. He had something planned and that something couldn't wait any longer. He took her by the hand; let their fingers intertwine and started walking towards the haven.

"So, what do you have planned for today?" She asked curiously, trying to get him to tell her a little bit more.

It didn't really work. He just smirked slightly and responded,

"You'll see, just be patient. I know it's not your strength."

She hit him lightly on the arm for that remark. He just shrugged it off and continued, "But I promise, it'll be worth your while."

"I see you're actually NOT wearing heels. How come you listened to me this once?"

He was mocking her, but how could he not? The woman in front of him was Addison Montgomery Shepherd. The woman that barely every wore anything but heels, that would kill for the perfect pair of black stilettos and that would definitely kill if you ruined the said pair of black stilettos.

Honestly... She started preparing herself for the jokes that would follow her confession, "I brought some. They're in the car. I thought that maybe, you know...maybe I'd need them."

Derek's response was laughter, only laughter. He didn't say anything just kissed her temple and lead her on.

8+

As soon as they arrived at the haven, he lead her to a boat. Addison looked at him with curiosity. She didn't know what to think of this.The haven. A boat… and no restaurant. She definitely thought there'd be a restaurant involved in the plans. But a boat? What did he want to do with the boat?

"So, what's the boat for?" She asked, a little unsure.

He looked at her oddly. What did she mean by that? A boat meant sailing, of course.

"Well, we're going to go sailing." he answered.

"Sailing? Out there? You and me? I don't do sailing." That last statement left her mouth together with giggles of disbelief. But she came to a sudden halt when she had to realize that he really intended to go sailing with her.

"You're serious about that, aren't you?" He watched as she grew more and more pale. So he decided to give her the chance for an out, though he really wanted to go sailing with her and show her what he really needed to her to see.

"Well, yes. I thought it would be nice. You know, you and me and the sea. But you don't have to if you rather stay here. We'll do something different."

She saw how his mood changed. He seemed so excited about this and she felt guilty. It was his anniversary as well and she thought that it wasn't the right time to be selfish. So she smiled briefly and told him that it was okay with her. He asked her once more if it really was.

She reassured him that it had just been a little anxiety attack and that she wanted to do this with him. He took her hand and helped her get in the boat. Right then he was the happiest man in the world. This boat and the place they were going meant so much to him but it didn't seem complete without her.

8+

They went sailing for a little while. Neither of them said a lot. It was an amazing experience and she was glad she hadn't backed out of it. The ocean and its infinity seemed so overwhelming that they were both lost in it, the beauty of the afternoon.

Addison was the first one to speak. She had a lot of questions to ask him. So when did you buy yourself a boat? Or when and how did you learn to sail? I don't remember you ever mentioning you could sail or even liked it. She didn't sound bitter but it was weird. They'd been married for 12 years and he'd never been the guy who liked sailing or fishing or wearing flannel. Somehow it was weird that he was that guy now. Deep down she wanted to know why he'd changed so much but she was afraid of the answer, so she didn't ask at all.

He took his time to think about the answer and find the right words to start this with. There was a reason he'd brought her here today, why he'd showed her this, his boat and this place out on the ocean. He wanted to find the right words, the perfect words because eventually he'd have to go back to memories that were painful, that could hurt her, hurt both of them. But nonetheless he thought that it was time he told her and therefore he needed the perfect words. He hadn't found them during these last days and he was sure he wouldn't find them now, so he just started, hoping that his words would be right.

He looked her in the eyes, took her hand, squeezed it reassuringly and spoke.

"You once asked me how I made it. How I was able to just walk out on you, pack my stuff and drive across the country without saying goodbye and without once looking back. The answer is that I left me behind. When I got into my car and started the engine, I wasn't myself anymore.

The real me was still there, standing in the door, seeing you with him. I'm not saying this to hurt you or to bring back past anger; I'm telling you because I need you to understand that I want us to work it out. I want you to understand that I still need time but that I'm trying."

He looked at her and he saw that she was just as broken as he was and that there were wounds that hadn't healed yet. Some of them would probably never heal. But then some of them could only heal if you ripped off the band aid, broke the silence and let the words out.

"So I drove to Seattle, away from you and away from me. I shut down completely, emotionally. I thought that if I didn't allow myself to feel I could protect myself from the pain. It didn't work. There were so many things that reminded me of you, they were everywhere.

In the hospital when I had to operate on a pregnant woman and she asked me if there were any chances that she could have the baby. I would wish you were there, to help her get the baby she wanted so much, the one that I wasn't sure I could get for her.

I bought the trailer because it wasn't you and it didn't remind me of you at the beginning. Then I constantly thought about what you'd hate about it . Even in the trailer I wasn't free from thoughts of you anymore. So I bought the boat and I learned how to sail. As soon as I could, I came out here. This here, Addie. This here..."

He was looking over the sea and breathing in the fresh scent,

"...is my oasis. Whenever it got too much. Whenever it hurt too much and I missed you like hell, I came out here. I got in the boat and as soon as I was away from the coast I could forget about everything. I didn't want to forget you, but at times thinking about you was hurting too much, loving you was killing me. I thought I had lost you. I thought you had chosen him. I thought you had fallen in love with him and you were happy with him. I was still so very much in love with you that I needed this place, my oasis, to come to and forget about everything."

She had tears in her eyes, fighting to hold them back. She knew from the look in his eyes that he wasn't done yet, that there were still things he needed to say, so she remained silent. She squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue. He looked over the sea before locking eyes with her again. What he had said and was about to say would probably hurt her, but he needed to say it anyway. He just hoped she wouldn't break from the hurt.

"When you came to Seattle, I came here almost every day. This was my escape from the reality that almost broke me. I seemed like I didn't care because I fought like hell not to. Whenever I came here I felt at peace with myself and with the world. The ocean seemed to be able to wash my problems and sorrows away. I brought you here today because I wanted to tell you this. I wanted you to know that there's this place where I come to forget and that if you ever needed it I would love to share it with you. You're my wife and although I haven't told you in a while, I still love you so much."

That was it. These were the words that he had chosen and now he hoped it were the right ones. He hadn't taken his eyes off of her. He had seen how the tears had started to fall down her cheeks and it pained him, but he had continued to speak anyway.

Now that he was finished, he hoped that she would allow him to comfort her. It was their 12th anniversary and he didn't want to see her cry, so he slowly pulled her to him. She didn't flinch as he embraced her and kissed the top of her head. She probably hadn't thought that this day would turn out like it did so he tried his best to comfort her and to reassure her that he planned on doing so for a lot longer.

When she pulled away she looked him in the eye, lowered her lips to his and kissed him. Softly and tenderly. It was a kiss that meant thank you. Thank you for bringing me here today. Thank you for telling me this. But most importantly it meant thank you for letting me in again.

She pulled away a few minutes later with a smirk on her face.

"What?" He asked her.

"Hey, do have an early surgery tomorrow?" she inquired

"No." He answered curiously.

"Well, then I may have something to show you." She said smiling before she kissed him again.


End file.
